We Didn’t Do It: Trash Panda Publishing Responds to “Trashed Panda” Allegations

PRESS RELEASE – FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Trash Panda Publishing Issues Firm Denial of Involvement in “Drunk Raccoon Liquor Store Incident.”

Northborough, MA — In light of recent highly publicized allegations involving a rogue raccoon, several broken bottles of premium whiskey, and one extremely unflattering photo of said raccoon passed out beside a toilet, Trash Panda Publishing wishes to clarify the following:

While the suspect in question is technically a raccoon, that is where the overlap with our esteemed organization ends. Trash Panda Publishing maintains strict policies prohibiting our raccoon-themed brand from engaging in late-night liquor store break-ins, unauthorized sampling of top-shelf spirits, or passing out in restrooms—public, private, or otherwise.

To further dispel any rumors, all Trash Panda Publishing staff have verified alibis.

• • • • At the time of the incident, our team was either editing manuscripts, formatting hardcovers, or arguing about serif versus sans-serif fonts. N

• • • • one of these activities require—or involve—inebriated raccoon activity.

We have consulted our attorneys.

• • • • They have advised us (while laughing, which felt unnecessary) that we are in no way liable for the destruction of scotch, whiskey, or bathroom dignity.

• • • • They have further instructed us to issue this statement, refrain from adopting the raccoon as a mascot officially, and avoid saying the phrase “Trashed Panda” in public.

• • • • We remind our attorneys that our company name IS Trash Panda Publishing AND it is trademarked, it would be kind-a-hard to not say it in public and that these same attorneys are the ones that filed said trademark applications.

• • • • The attorneys sent us another bill for all that discussion– this explains why there might be ANOTHER story like the one we are DENYING tomorrow… just saying

Trash Panda Publishing does not endorse raccoon-related misconduct.

• • • • We support responsible storytelling, responsible publishing, and responsible raccoon behavior.

• • • • The individual depicted in news reports appears to have acted alone and under the influence of… well, everything on the lower shelf.

• • • • However, if the raccoon would like to tell his story in writing, we are VERY interested in signing him to a book contract– LET’S TELL YOUR STORY, MY BROTHER!

We appreciate the public’s concern and assure our readers that no raccoons employed, affiliated, or spiritually aligned with Trash Panda Publishing participated in this unauthorized whiskey-centric escapade.

About Trash Panda Publishing

• • • • Trash Panda Publishing is a proudly raccoon-adjacent creative house specializing in fantasy novels, whimsical chaos, and absolutely zero involvement in liquor store vandalism.

• • • • For further inquiries, please contact our legal department at we_will_never_respond@trashpandapublishing.com—who, again, assure us we are not responsible for this.

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